The W40k Rant

 I don't like the lore, I don't like the gameplay, I don't like the company who makes it.  My seething fury towards this terrible game was started by three separate incidents, relating directly to the three issues above, but which do not encompass the whole of my distaste for this game.

 The three events would be: A frankly off-putting lore video, the first and last I can remember attempting to watch, before being quickly deterred.  The fact that the official rules require actual physical miniatures, all of which are purposely and prohibitively expensive.  And finally, an event which occurred long before I was aware of it: that the company had copyrighted the term "space marine" a horribly generic term which they had the gall to claim.  

Now, I do not know the current situation regarding the copyright, but the rest still stands.

Furthermore

The lore.

The video which I found, this was years ago by now, and I believe I have thoroughly forgotten which channel it was from, so please understand that this is not to criticize the person who made the video, but the company which allowed their lore to reach such a degraded state.

You take the premise of: What if Doomguy were to end up in the W40k universe, what would happen?

This is a cool and interesting idea, what would happen?  The answer I was expecting was something related to the magnitude of death and destruction Doomguy could cause.  What did I get?  Before anything else, not on space marines, orcs, or titans, the first thing presented is that some random chick, who I could not care less about if I tried, gets horny.  

 ...

WHAT PUERILE BULL**** IS THIS!?!  Are you a schoolboy in London in the 70s? No?!?  Then why the everloving **** is this anywhere near a WARGAME?  I'll tell you why, because its a bad wargame

 

The Gameplay.

I picked up a free, official, online copy of one of the rulesets.  And let me say that, if what I read is anywhere close to what people who actually play this game use, then I cannot express how mind-numbingly boring this game is...

The combat is slow, needlessly clunky, and the artificial constraints placed on it by the need for miniatures make the game worse, not better.

Slow: For how much you accomplish in a given turn, it takes waaay too long.  But, I only had one unit of soldiers on each side, so while yes, I do imagine that with how many units are supposed to be at play that more would happen in a turn, but it would take equally more time, in the end, and remain a slog.

Clunky: I am a fan of complex rules, so long as they add to the game, but the numerous battle-field modifiers present within this game are ones which must be referenced because they are so anal about minute details going on, which themselves are only needed because there is nothing of interest happening in the fight.

Miniatures: My problem is not with miniatures themselves, but the insistence of their use within the rules.  I have 140 six-sided dice, made up of 14 sets of differently colored dice.  I used these for soldiers, and two 10lb. weights for terrain, and I had myself a game.  Excepting the "terrain," the dice cost 20 dollars, though you could probably find the package of 100 dice on amazon for ~15 or less.  In comparison, here are your options for "official" minis:

 1: The cheapest I can find on the w40k website right now are $168, though I think I've seen smaller sets for 40-70 (months ago).

2: You can buy a 3d-printer for around the same price, 150-300 dollars after a quick amazon search, there may be cheaper, I do not know.

3: Secondhand minis for around 1/2 to 1/3 the price.

The cheapest I can figure is probably 40 dollars for two units, enough to replicate the mock battle I was running.

Though, an even more inexpensive rote for massive armies would be using something like Powerpoint or Miro, or some image editing software or another, and just running the game digitally.

Maybe...

"Maybe you just don't like wargames."  Would be a fairly accurate accusation at this point, but its not that 40k is a wargame, its...  

If a wargame is about just fighting, then why isn't it fun to fight the enemy troops in 40k?  (Speaking personally.)

In other wargames, its fun, because there is a certain punch to the combat.  When you defeat the enemy troop you find that you have accomplished something, because you are one step closer to winning.  Except, there is no winning in 40k. "War eternal," or something like that, right?  The battles may be won, but it is impossible to win the war.  I want my actions, the actions of my character, and in the case of wargames, the actions of my soldiers to matter.  I do not want to fight the aliens, I want to EXTERMINATE the aliens, and the very core of what 40k is makes it so that that can never happen.

Strength, Power, and Gory

Space marines are weak.  "Orks," ...a stupid spelling, which, although it accurately represents the intelligence of the faction, the spelling makes me want to bash my head against a brick wall, figuratively...  are weak.  "The most feared faction in all of w40k," whoever you're thinking of, they are weak as well.

If any of them were actually strong, they would have won the war by now.  "Oh, but that's only because they're all equally powerful," just like everyone in Venzuela is equally rich.  "But there are forces beyond mortal minds which ensure that no one achieves victory," then find a way to defeat those forces, not my problem.

I want a setting where a platoon of soldiers can wipe out a planet in seconds, where unlimited power is held within the hands of those who know how to wield it, and where the enemy is no mortal force, but the aspect of madness incarnate, the endless void of the elder gods, and an abyss from which there is no return.  Then I want to see those primordial forces get beat, by sheer force of will, determination, and undefeated strength of arms.  I want to see power and glory carried out on the battlefield, not this, "My platoon of soldiers dealt 1 point of damage to your platoon of soldiers."

Glory not to cowards in honor's name.

Wrap Up

 TO BE CLEAR, I do not hate any of the people or individuals who make or play W40k.  And I do not necessarily dislike any of the people who play it, either.   

Be seeing you.